2019/10/27 Daily Emotional Journal

Hi.

Yesterday, I did not do a lot of things. I woke up in the morning,and I wrote some articles about narcissists which are not completed yet, and listened to some videos on narcissist which made me unhappy. I do not like living life with full of revenge or defending myself. I would rather watch Interstellar, which one of the co-workers at MacDonald recommended to me.I wanna think about things which makes me happy.

After I become tired of writing, I went to bed,and got up, and I went to work from 17 to 21,

Emotional Reaction 

Attractions
I felt attraction toward two female workers at work. She is also a student, and I do not know why I can talk with her, being very natural and saying anything I want. I liked being myself in front of her. I felt warm, being natural and myself in front of her, which is actually a great feeling.

Another female worker is an university student who is kinds of obsessed with her appearance. She plays a role of being a great woman, but I can see her through. She is not as good as she appears to be. Actually, I like her natural self better. I want her to reveal her dark side. I could see her shadows yesterday, and it was really interesting. She made ice cream for me, breaking rules. I know she is fucking aggressive. I love her about that.

2019/10/26 Daily Emotinal Journal

Yesterday, I did not do much. I went to MacDonald, and worked part-time there until the night, and after that I ate dinner and went to bed.

I ate bread in the morning with butter and strawberry jam.

I ate teriyaki mac burger at MacDonald with potato and drink.

I ate some cut of steak, salad, beans, and some sliced raw hamachi.

Yeah, everytime I am thrown to a place where there are a lot of human interactions and dramas. and so on. I can experience a lot of emotional reactions in my body. 

On the other hand like today, Sunday, I usually stay at home, watching some movies or making something. I have less emotion to feel, unless I use my mind to produce the same emotional reaction or go into the internet or connect with others through SNS. 

OK. Let's go into emotional reactions.

Guilt 

In the past, I talked with one of the coworkers at MacDonald about her favorite animation called PROMARE by the animation company, Trigger. She recommended me about the anime many times, but I did not watch it. Yesterday, she asked me if I watched it or not, and I said not. I felt some guilt about that because I did not promise to do so, but I was interested in that. However, I was so into my life, and I almost forgot that, and failed to think about another person, which is one of the most important things in relationships. I failed to give emotional air to her. 

Oh, shit, I had a great mistakes in that conversation. I was full of shits. I praised her friend in front of her. It would make her miserable, comparing with her friend. I did not pay individual attention to her. What makes her unique and different from another person.

I can say that I do not have to pay individual attention BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT PAY THAT ATTENTION TO ME, and I have no responsibility, admitting my fault and improving myself. It is against my laws of life.

"Be the frame, not the moth."

Casanova

I have to start paying attention to others, not waiting others to pay attention to me  because

1. Others are not in our control.

2. My actions are in our control.

Do you want to be a one who just get things from others and never give that things back to them?

It is much greater to give love than receive love. 

I need to throw away my ego, and be better improving myself constantly. I am fucking shit. Admit that, and move on.

?????
I do not know what kinds of feeling this is, but I am sure I felt some strange feeling in that moment. Actually, I did not feel terrible rather liberating.

In MacDonald, there was one female coworker I am kind of attracted to. I liked her presence. I still kinds of like her. I thought we were attracted to each other, but suddenly she suddenly started to become cold toward me, avoiding me. I am very sensitive, so I could feel that, and I was kinds of sad.

Yesterday, during a rest time in my part-time job, she was also in a rest time. There was another worker there, so there are 3 workers, and we were having a small conversation. First, she did not enjoy my presence, and did not pay individual attention to me. She never ask questions to me. Another male coworker  came back from helping another MacDonald, and she started to have a conversation with him, ignoring me. I could feel different attitude toward him to me.

I realized that she had moved on.

Actually, I did not get hurt, but I felt liberated. I kinda find out what is the truth not illusion. OK! She has moved on and now she likes him. That is OK.

I also find out that it is fucking foolish to put so much importance on women. They are like nature or wind. They will change constantly and I cannot understand them. It is foolish to be a slave of them. Just do what is right for myself and wait until a woman who value who I am. Romantic relationships is not always good. Be glad I am free and independent, and able to improve myself and move on my life not depending on any women

Power
When I do things I love, learning, improving myself, expressing myself, reading, writing, creating something I believe to be valuable,serving for others, I feel great and liberated. I feel like I am alive. I think it is better feeling than sexual gratification.

While I rest at MacDonald, listening to others talking in the rest room, I was reading a book about philosophy. Even though the female coworker I liked was talking to another man, I felt fucking good and powerful because I was doing what I loved and I realized it is the most important thing in life, rather depending on others.

Confuse or Worried
After working, I needed to get out my bicycle from the bicycle parking area. However, it seems that I have lost the card I need to get it out of there. I tried to find it from the bag, but I could not find that soon. My mind went too far at that moment. "What do others feel when others feel I am in this state?","how much do I have to pay?", and "Am I going to go to jail?" and on. I felt terrible at the moment. However, later, I found out that there was nothing I worry about. I just went to tell the guard that I have lost the key, and he told me that you can pay it without the card, and it was fucking easy.

Fueee, there are so many emotion I had yesterday. The biggest reaction I had was these. Maybe, there are more reactions I ignored or forgot. I realize that it is fucking great to note what I felt and analyze myself. This makes me feel good and controlled. I hope I become more and more sensible and conscious about my emotion and finally I can be a master of my emotion.

Thank You For Reading!!